Tantrum

It's Therapy time.

I'm back in my apartment after a two-week jaunt at home. Home.

I've been telling myself that I'm going to start getting up earlier to get work done (and with only two weeks till school - yikes! - there's a lot to be done in a short time).
Yet here I sit, choosing to write instead of going to bed.
Knowing that because of this choice, I'll probably end up sleeping in.

Because I don't like what happens when I let myself slow down...
as I lay there trying to sleep....
My mind starts wandering. And worrying.
And I find myself praying "Jesus Jesus Jesus!" to ward off the anxiety that my will alone will not keep out.

But more than that...it's the aloneness that really kicks in when I go to bed.
My whole life I've gone to bed knowing that not far away from me is someone I love and trust:
Whether it be family, a roommate, or a friend a few doors down.
But Here? Where I've completely uprooted and replanted myself?
I'm totally on my own.
*All by myself!...don't wanna be*
(and YES, I realize this state won't last. I'll meet people once school gets started up, make friends, and then I'll be fine)...
But for now the transition is unsettling.
And for some reason it hits harder when I have to go to bed...in an empty apartment...

Yea...can't say I like it. Not now.

(if only I was allowed to have pets. a kitty would be lovely.)

~

So anyways!

I have found that when I sit to write, it refocuses my mind

and I start to notice the beauty in my experiences

and it comes out in my descriptive narratives...

As I write, God reveals to me.

it's my therapy

I haven't wanted to write these things, even though I know I need to.
Typical "transparent" Amy.
I've been told that my writing is transparent and sometimes I wonder what that means...that I write in a such way that people can see through me...that I reveal too much?
Or simply that I'm frank and write in such a way that is easily understood?

Either way. I write from my heart and will not stop. :)

But seriously, I am a child.

And I've been having a royal tantrum these past few weeks.

Angry at God for making me say goodbye to everything I know.

Even though it was a change I accepted...having prayerfully considered the decision.

Yet now that this whole "starting over" thing is happening...I haven't been too pleased.

And I've told God exactly what I think many times!

That this was never in my ideal plan for my life.

No...in my plan I would have met the man of my dreams in college, gotten married the summer after graduation, and started our new lives together...somewhere close to home, but we'd at least have each other. See, in my plan, the last thing I wanted was to be alone.

Yet here I am.

No man.

Friends and family miles away.

So yea...I cried a lot. I couldn't keep it together!

(Because I've learned that is far better to just let it out. Even if you're an emotional wreck for awhile.)

I just wanted my mom!

I want to be where I'm comfortable and taken care of and protected

and home!

And this is not home.

I felt like a preschooler again running and screaming after her mommy on the first day she'd dropped me off. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me!"

And even though I know I'm being stubborn, selfish, and oh so childish...

I still hated feeling like certain people were looking at me with this "suck it up and grow up Amy" expression.

And it struck met as I laid in bed one night that I've seen this day coming for a long time.

I've always had people to lean on - to help me grow spiritually. To pray instead of me. And instruct me so I can consistently slack on reading the Word.

I've often wondered if one day I'd be stripped of those people and be forced to feed myself.

And don't get me wrong, I've always been serious about Jesus...

But it's now time to really get serious. Because I can't rely on others anymore.

No more excuses.

And I've known that this time would come not as God "punishing me"...but once again, leading me gently into the desert to speak tenderly to me. To guide me and direct my path...growing ever into the woman he created me to be. 

A fearsome beautiful flame.

~

A friend praying over me not long ago heard that God has gone before me and prepared everything.

That this new place is welcoming Royalty.

I do not fear the future so much as I've feared saying goodbye to the things that, for me, are already good. Even if things will only get better. I have a hard time focusing on the blessings God has in store for me, for looking backward.

But I know from past experiences...

those three times when I jumped into a place like this: NCC, Central, London

That my faith will only bring blessings.

One night, my first week alone in the apartment, I was struggling once again with going to bed and decided to hang some of my favorite pictures from studying abroad. To set the "nostalgic/creative" mood, I was going to play some Debussy, when I noticed Phil Wickham's Divine Romance instead...a song I forgot I'd bought months ago. So I clicked play.

And before I knew if I was "slow dancing" with Jesus in my kitchen

barefoot

eyes closed

hands raised high

slowly turning in a circle to the music.

Enraptured.

Delighting yet again in His love.

Reminded that

He is with me and He will never leave me.

So I sing this love song: