Sloppy Wet Kiss

I suppose it began when I was a little girl.
Playing Barbies with my door shut tight. For fear that the moments were too secret for other eyes.
Because it was always the moment when he first kisses her, that I played.
Always.

Then boys.

I dreamed of that first taste.

But I Kissed Dating Goodbye (partially), like so many other girls at the time

...and made sure my first boyfriend knew he was not to kiss me.

Because I was saving it for my husband.

And no...I didn't plan to wait till the altar.

But I wanted to make absolutely sure before the moment couldn't be undone.

Because I wanted lips only for him...

so that none other would compare.

Four years went by and no prospective husbands.

So of course, still no kiss.

And last summer I laid in cushioned pew praying. Feeling stagnant.

An Encounter night.

Wondering what it was that was still in my way. Why couldn't I still fully grasp Jesus.

And I saw.

Walking down the aisle in a white gown 

A thin veil flowing from my head to my naval, sheltering my eyes.

And Jesus was there and He took my hand and we faced the preacher.

Vows said. His eyes sparkling. "You may kiss the bride."

And suddenly I trembled with doubt and hesitation...not wanting Him to lift the veil from my face.

And I struggled with the thoughts...knowing I should let him. knowing I should let go.

And when I finally looked up at him in the eye, he smiled so sweetly, and I melted. Into surrender.

He lifted my veil.

Clear. Light. Crisp. Clean. My new sight...and Jesus.

Then He leaned in to kiss His bride and I...

Opened my eyes wide, halting the vision! What!? Yes, I let Him lift my veil...what may have been the last thin layer between Him and me...but...kiss me!? 

All these years of learning to live in a relationship with Jesus...but never once had anyone mentioned kissing. Is that okay?! Am I crazy? Kissing Jesus!? No. No! I'd never heard of such a thing.

But the beginnings of the semester.

And I was reading Captivating and it was cultivating my heart.

I read how God romances and pursues me, the Beauty.

And I wondered at it.

Because what if I did want to kiss Jesus?

What if I loved Him that much?

I remember mentioning it quick, before she looked at me like I was a lunatic, to Sara once.

"Do you ever wonder if it's okay to kiss Jesus?"

January. Spring. Panic.

My senior art exhibit. Dear Lord, what am I gonna do??!! I want it to be everything: beautiful, captivating, thought-provoking, proper design....and yet somehow "me"...all at the same time! What do I have to offer? What will others think?

Then I remembered that this is my chance to create for me. And I forgot about anyone else. And I thought about the Beauty.

And God through Sara, another Encounter, uttered "Awaken Love. Set your seal upon my heart, Jesus." and Sara said, "I have the sense that the seal is your desires for fantasy and romance" etc.

And I thought on that. How those things...awaken, seal, my desires...connect?

At the Calm the next night. Joe spoke but I don't remember a word because I was chewing on those words: awaken, seal...fantasy, romance. And my mind wandered through fantasy stories, daydreaming as Joe animatedly spoke at the front of the room. I searched for the seal...for awakening.

And the veil lifted again and I saw the Kiss. 

The awakening kiss! Snow White. Sleeping Beauty!

How could I have missed this?

And the flashes of scenes ran rampid through my head...bolts clicked into place in the span of less than a minute.

The Beauty - me, all of creation

Prince - Jesus

Kingdom - Heaven

Evil Queen - Satan in his jealousy of the Beauty (having once been beautiful himself)

Poisoned apple - sin

Sleeping curse - bondage to decay, the fall of man

And the Prince coming to save...fighting thorns...slaying Evil. Coming down from His Kingdom to set His lips against the dead, sleeping, creation.

Eyes Open - new life and Kingdom-bound.

My heart pounded for I knew...

I knew this is what I must create for the world to see.

These parallels to well-known stories. The world's slumbering longing for redemption...for Awakening!

For the kiss!

Divine Revelation.

And as the worship team strummed, I was down on my knees...for perhaps the first time in years,

humbled and deeply grateful for my new sight. 

For my direction.

I searched old journals. And watched Disney movies. And scribbled down song lyrics. Anything that reminded me. I wrote it all down. Approximately 50 pages of types notes.

Then I painted. And my art professors didn't understand. Because I couldn't explain something I was still trying to grasp. I painted what was mystery. And they couldn't get that. The uneasiness I still get when I think about those Senior Seminar classes, standing in front of three professors and fellow senior art majors...knowing only a bare few believed in Jesus. And of those handful...perhaps only one knew of His romance. The rest would think I was crazy. So I had to be very gentle in those classes, and I stumbled over my words...and the eyes stared at me blank. Unsettling. Raking.

I've wondered since then why those classes were so hard for me. Painting my heart for the world to see. Because I was opening myself up to mystery...learning how the mystery in itself is beautiful. The not knowing but still seeking for the kiss. Yet being so vulnerable was also letting those eye of judgement cut. Having to allow God kiss the wounds everytime.

Still...I painted. And I was brave. And I learned to be ever more vulnerable. And I was romanced. 

My Art reception came and went - finished piece finally on the wall - but I was still searching. My 

heart not finished. And the eyes of viewers still staring blank. Only some understanding. And God ever wiping my bruises away, from the fear of judging glances.

Joe's message that night at the Calm. All those guys kneeling before me: "Masterpiece." "Princess." Words for me. Words for the world.

Our last Nine - last InterVarsity Wednesday night.

They invited the seniors to speak. Words of advice, encouragement, and goodbyes.

Up all my friends arose, queued for the microphone,

yet I sat frozen.

Someone had asked me before if I would speak...what would I say?

And I had absolutely no clue.

Because anything I thought up just seemed so shallow...no words good enough.

So I replied, "If my heart starts pounding, I'll know God has put something on it to say."

So there I was, listening to my dear friends give last loving words to the underclassmen...

while I frantically prayed for words. Would you give me words if I have any to give?

I looked up at the screen, projected slideshow, and it was...

Green.

And I knew.

Really God? Oh no, really? You want me to get up there and tell everyone about how much I want to be kissed but never have...until You!? Oh Lord, if they don't already think I'm strange, this will just confirm it.

And my heart pounded.

Deep breath, I stood... just as Patsy, the last in line stepped up to the microphone.

I lowered my eyes from the crowd as I waited for my turn.

And I was at the microphone.

Apologized if my voice sounded strange because I felt like my heart was in my throat,

(Like a drum, baby don't stop beating, like a drum my heart never stops beating for you)

and said something like this:

"When I entered Central College, I had a song in my soul...."How He loves" 

(which, oh the irony, at a time like this four years ago, I sang that song in front of my church and the Holy Spirit moved like it was moving me now)

My favorite words of the song are "So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest."

And I like those words because, I'm going to be quite vulnerable with you guys, (deep breath, bracing for the gasps)
...I've never been kissed...
(no gasps).

But being romanced is one of the deepest desires I have.

And it just hasn't happened from any guys here (my arm independently motioned at the male seniors).

But I've learned in my time here how much God romances and pursues me. How He satisfies that longing. 

And I chuckled...loosening up, and told about my Senior show (still up in the gallery at the time) and the Snow White and Sleeping Beauty Parallels.

Jesus, my Prince who comes from His kingdom to rescue me, the Beauty. The awakening kiss from the sleeping death. Healing and Salvation.

And I told how when I looked up at the screen and saw GREEN, I knew this is what I had to share, although totally different from what the other seniors were saying, because green has been my symbol.

I'm an artist and visual metaphors speak to me in a powerful way.

As I had painted my art exhibit, I searched for a metaphor for the Prince coming down to Kiss (knowing I couldn't portray Jesus no matter how hard I tried).

and I thought of light and newness, peeling back the darkness.

and Green Northern Lights.

Northern Lights - "Aurora Borealis" - Aurora, not only Sleeping Beauty's name, but the Greek name for the "Goddess of the Dawn."

And the lights in those dark skies...something about solar wind colliding with earth's magnetism...creating the curtain, ever moving, of light...usually green.

Green - my favorite color...it's freshness of new life and growth.

I've seen pictures of Northern Lights where the light seems to just brush down and touch the earth.
That was my metaphor

That was my kiss.

I shared how often, at worship events, when I sing...hands raised high and eyes closed...I can almost see the green light enveloping me.

And I shared about Ted Dekker's circle trilogy books - the first book with a garden like Eden. In this garden a green lake. When you dive deep into the lake, Elyon (God) envelopes you in pleasure vibrating in every fiber and you can breathe the water and God speaks directly to you. Oh, how I've wanted that!!. To experience the presence of God with all of my being. 

Then I gave the advice to be vulnerable. Because to be kissed, to let God teach you...lead you into that wilderness...move through you to stand up and speak...you must be vulnerable.

Then I prayed a blessing over the entire room, my tongue dry as if I was the sponge pouring out all my precious refreshing liquid over those heads. Holy Spirit moving. Not quite my words. Eyes closed...hands up reaching towards them, trembling. 

My frequent prayer: "Kiss me, Jesus. Kiss me."

Kiss us.

Amen

Then I walked over to the other seniors, noticing that as I had prayed...a few of my other friends had gotten the courage to get up to speak. And be vulnerable.

Sara's arms - "that was one of the most powerful things I've ever heard"

Kodi -  "I didn't know you were such a public speaker"

Kris's embrace - "You were magnificent"

Heidi's tight grip on my shoulders - "YOU! You have never been more beautiful!"

And I felt it.

Eyes opened. And eyes on me.

I knew though, and frequently said, that it wasn't me...it was the Holy Spirit

But yet...it was me. Because it was based on how God made me, my desires and who I am in Him.

I'm more than what these ashes say.
So perhaps the True Art wasn't what my hands had made, but what God made of my hands. The work He did...is doing...through me. What I've learned and how I've been growing.
I titled my art installation: "Awaken, Love"
...yet I am Love Awakened.

I keep learning.

I keep seeking.

To love the mystery...However messy. However sloppy.
To be ever present to experience the I Am.

Open my hands, and lean into...His Kiss.

"But everything exposed by the Light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:

Wake up, oh sleeper, 

rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you." 

(Ephesians 5:13-14)

~Merely Mortal