This is 27
Awake.
I let the day sink in slowly, head sunk deep in my pillow.
I dreamt something...what?
Turned off my sound machine and let the loudness of the silence permeate.
Opened the blinds and, standing there, let the light wash me.
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!" I shouted with arms spread wide.
Coffee made. Even shaved my legs....And midway through brushing my teeth, remembered my dream.
In the dream a mentor of mine, from when I was a teenager, had died in a freak accident. I had reunited with old friends and said how sad I was that I never took the opportunity to call him up or catch up with him after high school had ended....
Life is short.
So I allowed myself to use my favorite perfume, the one I only use for special occasions because I'm afraid of the day it will run out.
And I put on the bold lipstick...AND lip gloss.
And I took a few selfies. Cause why not. It's my birthday.
While driving home-home I suddenly realized the sun was shining...in January.
So I left the visor up and squinted, soaking it in. Smiling. God sure knows how to love me well.
And I changed the radio station frequently, searching for only the good ones.
And Danced.
And I drove FAST on Martelle Road and blasted my music, raising my arms a little when going over the hills...cause I love the feeling it gives me...like I'm flying and my heart is too big for my chest.
Hugged an egg customer.
Mom on the porch waving.
"It's my birthday!!"
"It's your birthday!"
And I drove us to Galena.
And we talked.
Real. Raw. About how relationships and love are confusing and terrifying and risky. About how holidays are lonely and I've shed more than a few tears over the last few days. Reminders that sometimes to get what you want you have to do things you've never done. And you can't change other people, just your own perspective. And the scariest part of relationships is how it shines a light on your own insecurities. And why is admitting what you want so scary? Why am I so afraid?
What is there to fear?
I ordered the iced tea at Vinny's Italian Restaurant.
Then realized they didn't have the pink sugar packets...which are only the best kind.
And realized Dad, as a joke, had mailed me a bunch of the pink sugar packets a year ago...and they were still in my purse.
Giggled and texted a thank you to Dad for saving me from the tragedy of less-than-the-best sugars.
Splurged on the fettuccine with seafood.
Only ate half, and then ordered the chocolate mousse cake. Because everyone knows on your birthday you can have the cake...and eat it too!
No birthday candles on this cake.
Because wishes don't come true.
Never in the way I think they will.
So if I wish them, I will miss them when they happen...
And we browsed until our lower backs got too sore.
I let myself linger by the mirrors in the stores, because I really do feel like I get more beautiful with each passing year and I don't think it's vain to think that.
And I tried on the silly vintage dress that was made for a woman far more busty than me. And mom and I laughed. And laughed some more.
I left Galena with only two things.
A gorgeous Turkish lamp.
And another owl...(because I just couldn't help myself, he stared at me all through the store. So why not feed my addiction? If there wasn't such a thing as a crazy owl lady, there is now)
Home-home again, and I let Adam hug me long...even though he smelled like a pig. (literally)
As I drove home in the dark, Justin's voice graced the radio with "Can't Stop the Feeling"
And no...I can't stop.
So I danced.
And I've been counting my blessings all day.
Soaking up the light.
Soaking up the love.
And I laugh a little at the irony of a little sketch I did last night. It's not perfect, it never will be, never the way I have in my head...but I've learned to accept that. I still call myself an artist even though I very rarely like my own work. Funny how that is.
After Christmas I had this image in my head. I was thinking about how I am Mary. We are Mary.
Impregnate with Grace.
That we are all full of Life and Light.
And it's a raw image...incredibly vulnerable. I know.
But if there's anything I've learned in life is that to truly live, sometimes you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and real with people. To feel the emotions. To own your brokenness. To love with everything you have.
When you stop hiding, that's when you can truly impact others...
When your guard comes down...Jesus can shine through you.
Today is my Birthday.
27 years ago I breathed my first of the air of this harsh wonderful broken beauty of a world.
And I wouldn't know what things to call blessings unless life was sometimes hard.
Life is a gift.
I resolve to live it. To truly live.
I am merely mortal.
And although I think the YOLO phrase of today's youth is complete bull shit, because my life is NOT where it ends..I will still seek to find joy. To look for beauty and remember it's Creator.
In the last year I read once on some guy's OKCupid profile (not ashamed): "Jesus loves me. I am a Christian but I'm not always good at it."
I like that. It's stuck with me. I'll claim it...it's true for me too.
And I've rambled. This is a little glimpse into how I think. My whole life others have considered me to be "quiet"...if only they knew. haha! So if you've read this, I thank you. I haven't written in a long time and it feels SO good.
I let the day sink in slowly, head sunk deep in my pillow.
I dreamt something...what?
Turned off my sound machine and let the loudness of the silence permeate.
Opened the blinds and, standing there, let the light wash me.
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!" I shouted with arms spread wide.
Coffee made. Even shaved my legs....And midway through brushing my teeth, remembered my dream.
In the dream a mentor of mine, from when I was a teenager, had died in a freak accident. I had reunited with old friends and said how sad I was that I never took the opportunity to call him up or catch up with him after high school had ended....
Life is short.
So I allowed myself to use my favorite perfume, the one I only use for special occasions because I'm afraid of the day it will run out.
And I put on the bold lipstick...AND lip gloss.
And I took a few selfies. Cause why not. It's my birthday.
While driving home-home I suddenly realized the sun was shining...in January.
So I left the visor up and squinted, soaking it in. Smiling. God sure knows how to love me well.
And I changed the radio station frequently, searching for only the good ones.
And Danced.
And I drove FAST on Martelle Road and blasted my music, raising my arms a little when going over the hills...cause I love the feeling it gives me...like I'm flying and my heart is too big for my chest.
Hugged an egg customer.
Mom on the porch waving.
"It's my birthday!!"
"It's your birthday!"
And I drove us to Galena.
And we talked.
Real. Raw. About how relationships and love are confusing and terrifying and risky. About how holidays are lonely and I've shed more than a few tears over the last few days. Reminders that sometimes to get what you want you have to do things you've never done. And you can't change other people, just your own perspective. And the scariest part of relationships is how it shines a light on your own insecurities. And why is admitting what you want so scary? Why am I so afraid?
What is there to fear?
I ordered the iced tea at Vinny's Italian Restaurant.
Then realized they didn't have the pink sugar packets...which are only the best kind.
And realized Dad, as a joke, had mailed me a bunch of the pink sugar packets a year ago...and they were still in my purse.
Giggled and texted a thank you to Dad for saving me from the tragedy of less-than-the-best sugars.
Splurged on the fettuccine with seafood.
Only ate half, and then ordered the chocolate mousse cake. Because everyone knows on your birthday you can have the cake...and eat it too!
No birthday candles on this cake.
Because wishes don't come true.
Never in the way I think they will.
So if I wish them, I will miss them when they happen...
And we browsed until our lower backs got too sore.
I let myself linger by the mirrors in the stores, because I really do feel like I get more beautiful with each passing year and I don't think it's vain to think that.
And I tried on the silly vintage dress that was made for a woman far more busty than me. And mom and I laughed. And laughed some more.
I left Galena with only two things.
A gorgeous Turkish lamp.
And another owl...(because I just couldn't help myself, he stared at me all through the store. So why not feed my addiction? If there wasn't such a thing as a crazy owl lady, there is now)
Home-home again, and I let Adam hug me long...even though he smelled like a pig. (literally)
As I drove home in the dark, Justin's voice graced the radio with "Can't Stop the Feeling"
And no...I can't stop.
So I danced.
And I've been counting my blessings all day.
Soaking up the light.
Soaking up the love.
And I laugh a little at the irony of a little sketch I did last night. It's not perfect, it never will be, never the way I have in my head...but I've learned to accept that. I still call myself an artist even though I very rarely like my own work. Funny how that is.
Impregnate with Grace.
That we are all full of Life and Light.
And it's a raw image...incredibly vulnerable. I know.
But if there's anything I've learned in life is that to truly live, sometimes you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and real with people. To feel the emotions. To own your brokenness. To love with everything you have.
When you stop hiding, that's when you can truly impact others...
When your guard comes down...Jesus can shine through you.
Today is my Birthday.
27 years ago I breathed my first of the air of this harsh wonderful broken beauty of a world.
And I wouldn't know what things to call blessings unless life was sometimes hard.
Life is a gift.
I resolve to live it. To truly live.
I am merely mortal.
And although I think the YOLO phrase of today's youth is complete bull shit, because my life is NOT where it ends..I will still seek to find joy. To look for beauty and remember it's Creator.
In the last year I read once on some guy's OKCupid profile (not ashamed): "Jesus loves me. I am a Christian but I'm not always good at it."
I like that. It's stuck with me. I'll claim it...it's true for me too.
And I've rambled. This is a little glimpse into how I think. My whole life others have considered me to be "quiet"...if only they knew. haha! So if you've read this, I thank you. I haven't written in a long time and it feels SO good.
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