Why I Left
Life is just better when I surrender the pen to God and allow Him to write my story.
I was up till 3 a.m. last night wrestling with God...
He used a memory to remind me of some deeper truths and quiet my heart...
Long ago, I surrendered my "Pen" to God for Him to write my life and love story.
...whenever I take control into my own hands...things end badly.
He has the best plan in store for me and I trust Him to write the twists and turns, the mysteries and adventures, and the happily ever-afters.
But sometimes I get impatient.
When life isn't quite going the way I thought it would.
When dreams I've had for years still aren't coming true.
Sometimes my impatience gets the best of me and I relapse.
I swipe the pen from God's hand...taking back control.
At first it's fun. It's thrilling and exciting. To be the master of the pen...to live life "free" and taste and experience...ruled by my selfish desires.
But it isn't long before I realize that I'm getting no where. I click away at the pen...
Clickey click. Click click click
Yet nothing lovely, pure, or true...nothing that will last...appears on the paper.
Just scribbles and a giant mess.
I quickly realize my mistake.
Humiliated that I allowed myself to think I was strong enough to handle the pen on my own,
heart bleeding from the consequences of my actions,
...I finally place the pen back into God's hands.
I can't even look Him in the eye as I give it to Him..so deep is my shame.
And yet...
all that time, not once did he ask for me to give it back. He never snatched the pen back from me.
Like a loving Father, he patiently waited. He allowed me to make mistakes, knowing I needed to learn lessons the hard way. He waited. He knew eventually I would realize that I am better off with Him than alone. And when I was ready to give back control and trust Him again, He was still there with those kind loving eyes to assure me that He is a brilliant Author....and no matter what I've done, He can still turn this into a happy ending. He can work things out for good.
I relapse often.
I forget.
Sometimes I give Him the pen in one area of my life...but I snatch it back in another area.
Giving up my everything to Him has never been easy.
But I always come back and each time my trust in Him grows stronger.
When I have the pen to my story, I just screw things up and I'm left broken.
I can trust Him to write the story to my life.
He may not always be writing in things that I want or understand, at least not in "my timing"...but ultimately He knows exactly what I need and what timing is best.
Over a year ago, shortly after beginning my second year as a middle school art teacher, I started feeling like God was nudging me in a different direction. I felt God asking me to "go."
Go where? I didn't know.
I began praying about the decision and over the next few months little things and reasons kept cropping up and validating that I was supposed to leave.
God closed doors. And God opened completely new ones.
Here's how things ended up: I am no longer teaching art or living in small town Hubbard...I am living in Des Moines, working for Nationwide Insurance in a call center.
I was up till 3 a.m. last night wrestling with God...
He used a memory to remind me of some deeper truths and quiet my heart...
***
Statistics class. Freshman year of college. Taking notes, writing down formulas, listening to the professor drone on and on.
Clickety...click. Clickety click.
The girl sitting next to me starting clicking her pen.
Clickety...click. Clickety click.
I tried to ignore it and focus on the professor.
But she continued...clicking faster.
Click click click click...
I sighed heavily, leaning forward in my seat, straining to focus on the lesson.
This went on for some time
It got to the point where I couldn't even hear the professor anymore.
I stared hard at her hand, willing it to stop.
Lazily clicking...on and on.
...the obnoxious sound filled my senses, echoing inside my head, ringing in my ears...
and drowning out everything else.
Grating on my nerves....rubbing them raw.
Clickety click. Click click click click
And I cracked! I just couldn't take it anymore!
I snatched the pen out of her hand before I gave myself time to think about what I was doing...
The girl snapped her head and glared at me in shock,
"Well...that was RUDE!" she said, loud enough for the whole class to hear, and swiped her pen back from me.
Now I was the one sitting shocked. Blinking wide-eyed in the silence...
because the entire class had gone quiet and directed their attention our way.
The professor asked, "Is there a problem?!"
I felt my face go red hot and I stuttered through a plea for him to please continue.
I left class that day feeling deeply embarrassed. Shame and regret.
If only I had just kindly asked her to stop clicking her pen...
But instead I impulsively gave in to my raw emotions.
Ultimately, my action was more at fault than a girl repetitively clicking her pen.
***
...whenever I take control into my own hands...things end badly.
He has the best plan in store for me and I trust Him to write the twists and turns, the mysteries and adventures, and the happily ever-afters.
But sometimes I get impatient.
When life isn't quite going the way I thought it would.
When dreams I've had for years still aren't coming true.
Sometimes my impatience gets the best of me and I relapse.
I swipe the pen from God's hand...taking back control.
At first it's fun. It's thrilling and exciting. To be the master of the pen...to live life "free" and taste and experience...ruled by my selfish desires.
But it isn't long before I realize that I'm getting no where. I click away at the pen...
Clickey click. Click click click
Yet nothing lovely, pure, or true...nothing that will last...appears on the paper.
Just scribbles and a giant mess.
I quickly realize my mistake.
Humiliated that I allowed myself to think I was strong enough to handle the pen on my own,
heart bleeding from the consequences of my actions,
...I finally place the pen back into God's hands.
I can't even look Him in the eye as I give it to Him..so deep is my shame.
And yet...
all that time, not once did he ask for me to give it back. He never snatched the pen back from me.
Like a loving Father, he patiently waited. He allowed me to make mistakes, knowing I needed to learn lessons the hard way. He waited. He knew eventually I would realize that I am better off with Him than alone. And when I was ready to give back control and trust Him again, He was still there with those kind loving eyes to assure me that He is a brilliant Author....and no matter what I've done, He can still turn this into a happy ending. He can work things out for good.
I relapse often.
I forget.
Sometimes I give Him the pen in one area of my life...but I snatch it back in another area.
Giving up my everything to Him has never been easy.
But I always come back and each time my trust in Him grows stronger.
When I have the pen to my story, I just screw things up and I'm left broken.
I can trust Him to write the story to my life.
He may not always be writing in things that I want or understand, at least not in "my timing"...but ultimately He knows exactly what I need and what timing is best.
***
Over a year ago, shortly after beginning my second year as a middle school art teacher, I started feeling like God was nudging me in a different direction. I felt God asking me to "go."
Go where? I didn't know.
I began praying about the decision and over the next few months little things and reasons kept cropping up and validating that I was supposed to leave.
God closed doors. And God opened completely new ones.
Here's how things ended up: I am no longer teaching art or living in small town Hubbard...I am living in Des Moines, working for Nationwide Insurance in a call center.
...and it doesn't make sense to most people
...it doesn't even make sense to me.
Quite often when people ask me, "How in the world did you go from teaching art, something you were getting really good at, to working in a call center??!!", I respond with one of these vague answers:
And not that those reasons aren't all true...they are!!! But they are not the number one reason.
So here it is:
Why did I leave? What is the plan?
I DON'T KNOW!
But I can't really tell people that, haha!
No....the real reason is simply this:
I heard God tell me it was time to move on.
So I listened.
...it doesn't even make sense to me.
Quite often when people ask me, "How in the world did you go from teaching art, something you were getting really good at, to working in a call center??!!", I respond with one of these vague answers:
- I just needed a new location, or I would have begun to feel "stuck"
- I wanted better "work/life" balance with space and time to focus on my own art...maybe even write a book, paint more, or do more ceramics!
- I needed a break for awhile to rekindle my passion for art education...I needed to get my head back on straight.
- I needed a place with more opportunities to accomplish other dreams of mine.
- This is just a temporary thing, I'd eventually like to get back to teaching...but there weren't any other art teaching positions open this year and this is just kind of how things worked out.
And not that those reasons aren't all true...they are!!! But they are not the number one reason.
So here it is:
Why did I leave? What is the plan?
I DON'T KNOW!
But I can't really tell people that, haha!
No....the real reason is simply this:
I heard God tell me it was time to move on.
So I listened.
Ultimately, I don't know what He's doing. But I know who He is...and I trust that He has a plan.
He will never call me out without providing.
All things will be revealed in time.
All things will be revealed in time.
So, I'm just going to ride this new wave in God's great ocean.
Already I have felt Him orchestrating new and exciting things in my life.
I have learned some pretty huge lessons in just the four months I've been in Des Moines
...situations and relationships that God placed in my path
...and teaching me in totally strange and unorthodox ways.
And yes, there have been some hard lessons I've had to learn because of my own mistakes...but even in those...I know God was moving.
I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Already I have felt Him orchestrating new and exciting things in my life.
I have learned some pretty huge lessons in just the four months I've been in Des Moines
...situations and relationships that God placed in my path
...and teaching me in totally strange and unorthodox ways.
And yes, there have been some hard lessons I've had to learn because of my own mistakes...but even in those...I know God was moving.
I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
***
Art Teachers (and artists in general) are associated with certain stereotypes.
They have a reputation for being eccentric, quirky, flighty, dreamers, wanderers, unconventional, go-with-the-flow, and perhaps sometimes, impractical in their decision making.
I often joked about this, calling it the "hippie art teacher."
Yet, I hated the thought of people stereotyping me as such.
Over the last few months, I've had a difficult time talking with people about my "seemingly illogical" latest life transition. I don't want people assuming things or putting me into that stereotypical artist box. However, the whole situation has helped me to learn that that I care WAY too much about what other people think. I've let the judgmental and questioning glances and whispers get under my skin. Let me tell you...It's exhausting!!
But at the end of the day, I care far more what God thinks. :)
Interestingly, when I told my middle schoolers that I wouldn't be back...although they were sad to say goodbye, they had more grace with me than most adults!!! You see...kids understand that you have to let some things go to pursue what you believe. They still believe that dreams can come true if you are willing to go after them. Maybe it took two years of teaching those kiddos to remind me of that truth.
But at the end of the day, I care far more what God thinks. :)
Interestingly, when I told my middle schoolers that I wouldn't be back...although they were sad to say goodbye, they had more grace with me than most adults!!! You see...kids understand that you have to let some things go to pursue what you believe. They still believe that dreams can come true if you are willing to go after them. Maybe it took two years of teaching those kiddos to remind me of that truth.
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