One Point Perspective

I've been in a weird funk lately. I notice it in the people around me too...a tiredness. Not fully satisfied and not fully alive...and resolved that it's not going to change. Feeling like there is something missing. Craving adventure, something new, a thrill. Recently I made a goal that I will travel overseas again in the next three years because I long for NEW.

Maybe it's that, now that Labor Day weekend is over, the school routine has officially sunk in. Summer mode is over and we have no breaks until the holidays. Most personal hobbies have been put aside and school is about the only thing on the mind...we long for our "lives" back. Yet the time spent planning for school interferes. I love my students, I really do, but I selfishly wish school didn't consume me so much of the time. I need time for me too.

Maybe it's the weather. We had cool-ish weather all summer until school started and then BAM, muggy and humid! Fogging up the brain. Lack of clarity. Swimming through the days of hot and hard to breathe.

Only the second week of school and I was already hit with a terrible cold. And the third week, even though it was just four days...it felt like it dragged on and on...going to bed early every night and still feeling totally wiped out.

Maybe it's just hormones. A change in meds makes me think my emotions are just going through an adjustment phase. Plus, because I'm almost always totally honest, I've been going through one of those frequent phases where I'm pretty disappointed that by this stage in life I still don't have a boyfriend!!

Feeling spiritually stuck and stagnant. I desire an encounter with God. To shake me up and inspire me. Times when I feel like God is far away...but knowing He really isn't.

The thing is...all of this doesn't make sense. Why do I feel so stuck and tired when, compared to last year's start of school as a first year teacher...this year has been going wonderfully!!?? I am not so lonely. I have a roommate. I am WAY more organized and prepared everyday for classes. I actually know what I'm doing and I am confident in who I am as a teacher. 

Things are good! So it seems totally  irrational that I feel any of this "unsettledness." I should be happy, right?!

At the beginning of the summer I felt like God affirmed who I am more and gave me purpose. I had clear direction.

As the summer went by, though, and school started up it has become harder to hold on to that.  Like perfume that was strong and sweet at first and then slowly faded into the room over time. Still there, but harder to sense. 

As life becomes busier and the stresses pile on...remembering the way that was so clear at first becomes harder. Lord, I know to trust you...so why is holding on to you harder all of a sudden?

Over the summer I noticed I was having trouble falling asleep at night...more than normal. I didn't have school to worry about, but every night I'd have this weird gut-anxiety that I couldn't quite explain. And then...the night before the first day of school all of the anxieties I didn't realized I had been repressing exploded! Even though life is good, I was going back to teach at South Hardin Middle School...where I had had one of the hardest transitions of my life. I knew things would be a million times better this time around, but deep down I had this incredible fear that it would be the same as last year. 

I might be in a much better place in life...but sometimes going back to those physical places where life was hard can throw you off.

I have missed writing deep blogs like this because, although in the last few months I'd had little ideas and inspirations here and there...I have felt this fogginess. Muggy. The lack of clarity that points me to Jesus.

Even in writing this I feel like I'm probably not making much sense...because it doesn't. If times are better and I'm feeling successful...why all this? It's not rational!

~

Then I woke up today.

Saturday. 7:18 a.m.

I had hoped to sleep in longer , but when I breathed that first breath of crisp autumn-coming air it filled me with excitement.

After a long, tired, humid week, I was overjoyed to get up and put on an overlarge sweater, make a chai tea (since we're out of coffee), and nestle into a chair with a new book.

Jessica was not up yet, which made the moment even sweeter.

One of my favorite things in the world is quiet mornings to sit and read with a cup of yum and fill my mind with fresh inspiration. Today it was Waking the Dead by John Eldredge.

As an introvert, these moments are my time to refuel. I love it!

I read some good books this summer, but nothing that really "filled my cup." Nothing that helped me see during a time I didn't realize I was getting lost.

The first chapter was such a simple reminder, that there is a "thief that come to steal, kill, and destroy." That as Christians we are in a spiritual battle and there is an enemy that opposes us. An enemy that does not want us to be fully alive. Jesus offers life to the full...but Satan does all he can to prevent us from grasping it.

And it all made sense.

Sudden clarity and perspective.

I have been under attack.

My life has been good and I've been given purpose...and it pissed Satan off.

So he has been working to make me feel like I'm missing something...fogging up my mind with irrational anxiety.

Well...I'm on to you, little joy robber!

And I'm not having it anymore.

By God's grace my eyes are opened and my mind is cleared.

And I will run the race laid out for me.

Lord, give me strength and new eyes to see!

~

This last week I began a new unit on One Point Perspective with the 7th graders. It's one of the most challenging things for them to learn...so I try to get it over with early in the year while they are still "fresh for learning". :)

On the first day I had them write down some definitions in their sketchbook.

"Perspective: a technique used to create the illusion of depth and space on a flat surface."

"Vanishing Point: the point to which parallel lines appear to meet/disappear, usually on the horizon line."

Then I showed them different pictures drawn or painted in perspective.  

I asked for students to volunteer to come up and put their finger on where the vanishing point might be...where all the diagonal lines meet to create that illusion of depth.

This was the very last image I showed them:

Raise your hand if you've ever seen this painting before.

Many hands shot up into the air!

Keep your hand up if you can tell me the title of this painting.

"The Last Supper!!"

Yes! Now, can anyone tell me who the artist is...who painted it?

"Van Gogh...?"

(lol, always their first guess)

No...I'll give you a hint, he also painted the Mona Lisa.

"Leonardo DaVinci!?"

YES! Very good. Now...the reason I show you this painting is not just because it is drawn in perspective. You can see the lines on the ceiling and the paintings on the wall, even the people on the sides are painted in such a way that they are angled to meet at one point...the vanishing point...which is right on this person in the center.

At this part in my talk I saw a boy shoot his hand up in the air. He thought I would ask the question..."do you know who that man is in the center?" But I wouldn't ask this because I felt it would be on the edge of promoting Christianity in class (which we all know is a no-no in school). But I saw the look on the boys face...he so badly wanted to come to the board, point to him and tell me that it's Jesus! I know who that is...it's Jesus!

It broke my heart that I couldn't call on him...but I'll never forget the light in his eyes.

So, ignoring his hand, I went on: 

We know that the man in the center is Jesus. But the reason I show you this painting is because many artists use perspective to draw the viewers eye to the true focus of their painting. Obviously, Leonardo wanted us to look at Jesus in this painting. Not only did he paint Him right in the center, but he used perspective to draw our eyes to him even more.

So may my focus be, ever always, on Jesus.

My one point perspective.

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart.

My way may be foggy sometimes, and those lines might not appear to always point to him.

The enemy has a way of leading my gaze off course.

But no matter how much I might be prone to wander, may I still, at a moment's notice, be able to recognize the Man. "I know who that is, that's Jesus!!"