Fear of Failure

My eyes crossed as the boy stuck his drawing three inches from my eyes. I pulled it away until I could focus on it clearly...and waited for that ridiculous question, "is this good?" (As if I, merely mortal, am the great and powerful Judge of what is good or bad art).
He said nothing...waiting for my response.
...sigh...
"Umm...yes? Do you need something?"
"Is this good??" (grawr!)
I smiled, masking my annoyance...
"Ask me something more specific, please."
"Am I done?"
"Thank you, that's a better question."
As I looked over his project I immediately saw that the kid had not followed any of my directions and it was all wrong.
"Uh, why are your lines going in all different directions? Did you hear when I said how to draw them to the vanishing point?"
"Yeah, I tried that and didn't like how it looked...so I did it this way instead."
Deep breath...
"Soooo....you just decided you weren't going to follow directions...?"
(I'd hate to see how my face looked at that moment...I'm sure the boy realized his grave mistake).
He hesitated.
".......yeah"
"Okay, well...you now have to go back and fix these parts because unless you do the steps the way I showed the class...it's not going to look right when it's done."
I tell you what...that kid spent the rest of that class pouting because he didn't want to fix his mistakes...mistakes that could have been prevented if he had listened and followed directions in the first place!! OH no, he spent his time complaining to the students around him and even trying to reason why he had a creative license to not follow the directions. Oh...and to top it off, that boy went on vacation for the entire next week with his family...making him fall even farther behind on project completion.
However...after time had passed and the student returned to his project, he had a better attitude, fixed his mistakes, and finished strong.

Then there's that kid that is always the first one to finish:

"MS. HOLCOMB, I'M DONE!!"

"Hmmm...no you aren't, you still haven't added color and paint here and since you have plenty of time you can add more detail to these areas."

"GUHHHHH!! Fine!!"

Kid proceeds to do an incredibly sloppy job as fast as he can....making it look worse than it may have before.
Rushing...always rushing. Just wanting to get it done but not caring to put in the real time or effort to do a quality job.

I have even had students that responded to this situation by making marks all over their projects...basically destroying it... just to spite me. 

Then that new defiant kid.
 I kindly sat by him in study hall to help him get caught up on a project the other kids had already started.

"Do I really have to do this??"

"Yes."
"Can I just not and say we did??"
Trying not to grit my teeth...

"No. I'm here to help you...it will actually go much faster with me helping you step by step, one on one. You'll get caught up in no time"

He proceeded to give me every excuse under the sun,
...argued about whether he should be able to just trace my example or not,
...and then he has a headache, could he get some tylenol?
...and life just isn't freaking fair!!

Finally after realizing that he is either going to do it now with me there to help him...or do it during detention...by golly he did his work! Granted...it was a half-ass job, as fast as he could...but hey he got it done and it didn't actually turn out too bad either.
Some kids like this are so afraid of failure that they don't even want to begin. That or they're just lazy and have no work-ethic...and they just don't want to do it because they don't care.

And then the miracle happened. His best friend in 8th grade (who has made quite clear to me that I'm her favorite teacher) talked with him about being good in art class because Ms. Holcomb is super nice. Since then, that boy has been unbelievably pleasant and building a positive relationship with me. When you have a good relationship with students, they behave and work just that much harder in your class if only to make you proud, because they like you. lol :)

"Mrs. Holcomb!!" (cause middle schoolers still don't know how to just call me Ms.)

"Help! I screwed this up...how do I draw this??!!"

I calmly looked at her paper.
I blinked.
It looked beautiful, one of the best I'd seen in the class!

"What is wrong with it?"

"It looks awful, I can't draw!"

"What looks bad? What part?"

"All of it!!"

"Okay, that doesn't help...tell me a specific part that you think isn't right."

"UGH! Everything! I suck...this is so stupid! I hate this! It's too hard."

"Okay...look here, do you see how that line is off? What if you just drew it at a  different angle?" (at this point, my worrying perfectionist willingly handed me her pencil so I could show her what I meant)

I very lightly drew in a new line.

"See, that's really all that was off. Otherwise you're doing great, I think you underestimate yourself. You're doing better than you think you are!"

Then...

Olivia.

The girl that was told by her last art teacher that she has "no artistic ability at all."

I'm sorry, I don't care what you think...old art teacher...but that was a load of crap.

I now have to battle her low self-confidence each day in art class because she has believed your lie.

I see her potential...why didn't you!?

Whenever I begin to teach a new unit, I show the students a finished example of the project they will do. Every time I get, "WHAT?!! I can't do that, are you kidding me Ms. Holcomb!? That's too hard."

When I first started teaching, these comments irked me.

But I've learned to calmly say:

"Yes, you're right, it is going to be hard. 
But remember, that's what I'm here for. 
I will walk you through each step to get you to the end. 
You only see a finished example, 
but there are lessons and techniques I must teach you to get you there. 
Trust me, listen and follow directions, and you'll do just fine! 
I know that when you're done you will be proud of your work."

~

People handle failure and the fear of making mistakes in different ways...
Usually, in a less-than-appropriate manner.
I see this in my students and I see it in myself.

Life can be less than peachy.

Things don't go quite the way you want.

Someone else's or your own mistakes make things a mess...

...and you're left to pick up the pieces.

And you are afraid of taking a risk because what if...

But what if we had Someone to walk us through each step?

Someone who knows how the story will end?

What if this Master could help us turn our broken into Beautiful?

Then fear disappears because we could trust in that One.

I would take the risk and plow through the hard stuff...because I know that even if I can't see...the Great Teacher has a plan.

I read this verse the other day for the hundredth time:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~Jeremiah 29:11

Now...I have to be careful comparing myself to God...

because even though I have come a long way in how I react to my students, He is far more tender, patient, and kind in how He teaches than I ever could be.

But I relate to that verse in a way I never did before.
I love and care deeply for my students, whether they know it or not.

I, too, only see potential and a plan for my students.
Yes, they may have to go through some not-so-fun steps during the process of making their art...but those are necessary to finish a masterpiece.
It might not be easy...but the end is glorious!

If they would just trust me to get them to the end. If they would just shut their mouths (cause in case you didn't know...middle school kids have a hard time shutting up) and listen!

And then...when they run into a bump in the road and mess up...use the tools provided to correct their mistake and get back on track. Whether that means starting over, erasing, or humbling themselves to ask me for help.

Then...handing over the pencil.

No...I never do a student's work for them...but I can give them small clues and faint lines to get them to do the work successfully on their own.

That's what God does.
The Good Teacher gently leads and corrects.
Who allows us to go through tough stuff in order to teach us...so we may be successful,
so we can achieve our dreams,
and so we can glorify Him more through our lives.

"to prosper you...to give you hope and a future..."

Life threw me for a loop not so long ago.

And I know that at times I didn't respond in the best way...
because
I AM the kid that doesn't like to wait for God's plan, takes control into my own hands, makes a mess of the whole thing, then pouts that I have to face my own brokenness in order to heal and forgive to get back on track.
I AM the kid with big dreams that wants to rush to the end, where those dreams can be met...but misses important lessons along the way and gets frustrated when I have to wait.
I AM the kid that knows God has BIG plans for me...and I get scared I'll mess it up, so I act in defiance only to realize that He is BIG enough to help me through any obstacle I might face.
I AM at times the perfectionist that doesn't believe I am good enough.
I AM also the kid who has believed lies and God has to remind me time and again that I am talented, and beautiful, and worthy, and that I am loved. So loved.
Despite all my shortcomings...
despite my pity parties and tantrums when I don't get what I want...
I never give up.

Cause in the end I know that God only has the "best" in store for me

...and sometimes He has to take me through hard lessons to teach me the skills I'll need for that "best."

I make mistakes.
I will make many more.
I am merely mortal.
It's just a matter of surrendering over the pen for God to write my story.
I was reminded the other day that I serve a BIG God.
And He doesn't need my help....my human manipulation...to make my dreams come true.
Cause I just make a mess and am left with heartache anyway.
It's time for me to allow God to be as big as He says He is.
For "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

So instead of asking, "God, is this good?"

I'd be better just trusting because

"God IS good."

Another big transition is looming ahead in my life. It often looks scary

...and I have to be careful not to worry, because so much is uncertain and I don't have all the answers.

But He does.

And that's enough.