I'll Stay

If I could have a superpower it would be teleportation. Or apparition, like in Harry Potter. Not having to spend the time it takes to travel. I could just snap my fingers and be anywhere I wanted in the world! I am an impatient person when it comes to getting somewhere I want to be.

I forget, though...that some of my favorite moments happen when I'm cruising down the road at sunset...the time that I usually have great conversations with God. And I wouldn't have those if I could teleport! There are blessings along the journey if I just slow down and have eyes to see.

There is a scenic road near my hometown that I love driving in the spring. After the rains, the hills roll green like a sea. Those beauties, twisting knarly trees, that only seem to grow in the pastures and meadows. "The only trees that ever grow tall keep relentlessly stretching into unknown territory" (Ann Voskamp). Risk. Oh, if only I had a motorcycle (or a man with one, lol)...wind whipping through my hair. The kaleidoscope of green hills remind me so much of my travels through the countryside of England. I could breathe Green! That new favorite song comes on the iPod "Walk on Water" by Pilot Rouge, and I zoom down the road over the hill and could spread my arms out to fly.

~

"So....you're staying...?" Heidi asked slowly, raising her eyebrows.

Dressed in full Dutch costume and looking lovely as ever, the Tulip Queen of Ages Past, one of my best friends (who I'm convinced has the spiritual gift of encouragement), sat next to me as I studied the people moving all around the city square. Twilight's shadow brushed my sunburnt skin. Seated behind the Tulip Tower, we were trying to fit a quick life-chat in before Heidi had to rush off to ride a float for the parade. Sigh...royalty. (lol)

"Yes..." I breathed out, gazing off at the blooming flowers. "I still have my moments when I panic and think 'God! What in the world are you doing!? Why am I still here?' Then I remember that...

He is good." 

My eyes misted over as I suddenly realized just how much I have come to believe that truth. How much I have learned to trust. How I am more in love with Jesus than ever.

He. Is. Good.

He always has been and always will be. He has never failed me and He will come through for me.
I only see a small portion of my life but He sees the whole. My loving Father knows what's best.

So...Officially saying it now: I'm staying for year two!

If you read back on old posts about my journey this past year, you might think I'm out of my mind for this decision. But God has shifted things substantially for me since January. He has provided community and changed my heart. I'm now thriving rather than just surviving...glory to Him!

I've felt it in my gut for some time now...that my story here is not finished. I've always known that God wouldn't have brought here unless there was a reason...a big reason. And I don't feel like He's done with me yet! I'd be selling myself short if I left now. So I will stay. For as long as He wants.

I think back to those frequent nights in Sept-Dec when I was gripped with that paralyzing loneliness.
All those phone calls home to mom just to hear a caring voice...and because I couldn't get myself out of the pit.
When I would sleep on the couch because being next to the cushions was the closest thing to a hug I could get.
And New Year's Eve, when the clock struck midnight...how I laid on the floor in front of the TV next to my mom and I just turned to her and sobbed because I didn't think things were going to get any better and the semester looming ahead seemed like a giant.

But God heard my cry.

Since I switched schools back in January for my second semester it has been a night and day difference. I have learned so much and my good days outnumber my bad days (opposite of first semester).
God is Good.
I will have a roommate next year! Moving in with a good friend in a couple months. That will be a huge blessing. :)
God is Good.
And it's also a relief to know I don't have to start all over in a new place and prepare all new curriculum again! Whew! That was a bear to tackle!
All the time...God is Good.

Thank you for all who have prayed for me this last year! It's been a rocky climb for sure, but it has strengthened me for the next mountain to come. Blessings!

~Merely Mortal