Where Feet May Fail

I'm laying on my couch cuddled under blanket...today is the first day I've considered turning the heat on. But I'm relishing the chill after how ablaze my life has felt lately, the heat of the first part of my first year of teaching.

My brother came to visit me Friday night and stayed till Saturday afternoon. We saw the lizards at the library, ate at Pizza Ranch, then went to the Wet Pet Outlet and had fun looking at all the fish. I had to flush poor Phillip the other day, so I bought three new goldfish as his replacement. Huey, Dewey, and Louie (we came up with the names almost simultaneously...fate). Got some Red's Strawberry Ale and ate ice cream from the tub while watching a How I Met Your Mother marathon at my apartment until I could no longer keep my eyes open. Hashbrown egg and ham breakfast and just enjoying each others company. After the episode when Barney proposes to Robin and my eyes were teary, he left to go back to Pella.
Everytime I have to say goodbye to people I love lately...I lose it. I don't realize how lonely I am during the week, until the weekend when I get to experience hugs and laughter and deep conversations with people who "really know me." Then the weekend is over and Oh Crap it's back to reality and I have to go alone. And the job might be okay, but if I have to keep doing this with no community...can I stay here for year two? Sometimes I feel so isolated. Like I really have been led into the wilderness. (So God, really, speak tenderly to me). I was trying to get into a church group for awhile and was invited to one on Thursday nights...but whenever that night rolls around I am tired and stressed out and have a ton of stuff to do to prepare for the next day of teaching. Even church is 40 minutes drive away. I have to travel to experience community.
I have been blessed with a new friend at the school, though, just recently. So that has helped. A friend who is single and my age and can actually hang out outside of school! I've become good friends with a few other teachers, but it's different when they have families to go home to at night.

Plus, my performance-driven identity and perfectionism tendencies have risen to the surface lately.

I'm constantly busy...never feeling like I'm prepared well enough or organized.

So then I push things off, to try and do more...when I really need to take time for myself and rest.
Part of being an "introvert" is the need to rest, to sit and do nothing and process life!

But when I do try and rest, I feel guilty and anxious.

So then overall, I just feel like I'm failing as a teacher...even if I'm doing "okay"...which, well, means I'm letting my performance dictate my identity...and that's not good.

It's a battle. God has gifted me and given me what I need...but my desire for control constantly gets in the way of me trusting in Him and having faith that things are fine and He will come through.

Where is the balance?

Because I have often felt like I'm walking a tightrope and about to fall.

And when I close my eyes to rest, there is a darkness that threatens to swallow me...making me anxious. What do I do? What do I really want? How do I trust?

I love being Ms. Holcomb.

But sometimes I just want to be Amy. Just Amy. Amy means "Beloved."

Last Sunday when I was in Pella, Pastor Korver was speaking about tithing and showed a video with this song.

Funny how songs hit you right where you are:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters...

wherever You would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger...

in the presence of my Savior."

How beautiful.

It takes me back to a time when I was student teaching last Fall..

I was stressed out about planning lessons.

Sara and some girls from her small group were going out to the beach at Red Rock to watch the sunset and invited me. Thinking I needed a little fresh air and God's beauty, I abandoned my work and went.

I remember clearly...sitting on a rock on those white sands next to the water

The water was so still...it was like glass.

No air moving, but the crisp cool autumn against my skin.

The light blues of twilight spreading and the sun sinking in the distance.

There were hundreds upon hundreds of birds flying across the expanse of the lake back and forth, just above the water. I remember thinking how freeing that must feel...to be able to fly and dip your wings and toes into the water. The scene was so peaceful.

We gathered and prayed before heading back.

My prayer was simple: I just sighed and told God how I wanted to walk on water...and be able to fly.

So now...little did I realize...I am Peter.

And I'm walking on water...keeping my eyes on him.

My faith will stand.

But it feels so thin....so thin.

And my feet may fail.

I let the tears start after the service and couldn't stop. I asked Kari to come with me to the corner of the sanctuary at Third where I could just let it all out. Then she called Sara and Heidi over and I told them about the "threatening darkness" and asked for prayer. My prayer warrior friends...I am so blessed.

Heidi reminded me of the scene from LOTR3 when Faramir is fleeing back to the city, galloping fast on his horse, and darkness is swooping down at them. The Nazgul are taking out his comrades left and right and they are failing. They are being overcome. But THEN, Gandalf rides out to them on his white horse...extends a bright light that scatters the enemy and gives them safe passage into the city. He rides with them.

Then Sara found this passage. Psalm 18: 1-19

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me, the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him - the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightness. the Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, O Lord; at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. he rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me."

Oh my goodness! How incredibly AWEsome is that!!??

I've never felt much like a damsel in distress before. I always admired Eowyn for taking up her sword.  But lately, I haven't the strength to battle...I can't do this on my own, and I've felt weak and incapable. But there is something precious about being rescued by a Warrior. As a woman, shoot...I'm even more in love with Jesus now!! Lately I've learned to see Him as my bridegroom and lover...but this Warrior and Hero thing is new. And powerful! I need a Hero...Mighty to Save.

He hears my cry and the fact that I am in distress makes him angry. Really angry. And he rides to my rescue. The image rattles me! How can I not trust Him!?

And then that last part..."He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me." Oh, now that's the good part. I can wallow in my failure, but that doesn't define who I am. If He delights in me, even when I feel like I screw up....now that's what really matters.

The other theme that has arisen is God as my Rock.

I often find myself humming "Rock of Ages" without realizing it. 

"Rock of Ages, cleft for me...let me hide myself in thee..."

 Then this morning I listened to the last sermon from Antioch...about a solid foundation.

And Pastor John spoke about the song "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." And how Paul wrote letters about joy even while he was in prison...because he stood on solid ground.

 So one more song for good measure:

Not long ago, Kari was giving me a much needed backrub...kneading out the knots of my burden...and I was still tensed up, making it even more painful.
"Amy, take a deep breath."

Breathing. Relax. He's got this. He comes down and rescues. I'm going to a spacious place...where peace passes understanding. 

So just breathe.